Failing as a Mom Then COVID Happened

At times I'm sure every mom feels like they just aren't good enough to be a parent. I wish that though moments weren't as often as they have been for the last three years. My first was easy, well easy as an only child that is. Once the second one came around and she quickly realized that all the attention was no longer all to herself. Even though she was excited for and sweet towards her little brother, she one day decided it was too much to bare. The bottled up jealousy or anger must have been too much for her to bare that at 4 years old the most extreme fits began.

I had been a nanny for several years, watched and just hung out with my nieces and nephews, and I had never seen anything like this before. It didn't seem normal. I hope that it wasn't an effect to being on the anti seizure medicine. As a parent we hope that we are doing the right thing for our child and putting her on meds seemed like the right thing to do. However, I don't know if that is the cause to the fits. I know that kids throw fit but these were violent every intention to hurting me while trying to get her way. If you're thinking this mom probably caves pretty quick and this kid is spoiled, you'd be wrong. I have tried my hardest to stick to my guns and not let her have whatever she want to stop the fit.

As her mom I have tried my hardest to show her love, share my attention, and work through these fits with much patiences. When she started Kindergarten she did great. She was a little behind and I anticipated she would because of being in speech therapy, but the structure was good for her. This last year being told that she can't go back to school, she can't go play with her friends and she's stuck to being at home was incredibly hard for her. I worked with her teacher to do as much as we could for her, but it wasn't enough to keep her motivated to participate. At the end of the year she had an evaluation, and for the first time I was hearing from other people that she was impulsive, unfocused, eager to learn and showed improvement but struggling. My thoughts were I'm a failure as a mom. I should have been doing more with her, I have been failing as a respectable parent to her I am also failing as part of her educator.

Life was hard, being pregnant made it difficult and COVID just made life feel impossible in my home. At 38 weeks pregnant, when a simple fight over something so little flipped the switch to her anger and at my weakest moment at a mother, I felt like I did all the things wrong, I was no better than a mom that abandoned her children. I thought several time in the last year if she would be better else where. I love her so much and I would miss her unimaginably. Through all that hurt and pain and, yes, ugly cry; the words "I'm a good Mom" came out of my mouth. Hearing those words didn't stop the tears but at that moment that heavy feeling lightened by those words I spoke.

With my husband came home and I told him that I needed to be able to take care of me and that we needed to try harder to find help for her. How can a 6 year old have so much anger and such a delayed sense of remorse. I started looking for a counselor for her. I couldn't believe how hard it was to find one. We had been down this road before looking for help a year prior and the help we found turned it into marriage counciling. while our marriage wasn't perfect it wasn't what we were looking for. So here we were contacting several places waiting weeks to hear back and started looking for more. It took longer that I thought it would but we finally found one. Once a week she gets (supervised) one on one attention to talk about her day her feelings or play games and as a parent I get to talk about how to help her.

It didn't take long before we were advised that she may benefit from Medication. Putting her on medications as always been a decision that is made with the heaviest of heart. I questioned if it was the right call. I felt like I was failing her if I didn't failing her if I didn't. Am I doing everything that I can to help her, I wondered. The decision was made to try it out look at if she benefits from it if not there are others to try but the goal is to help her be successful. It seemed to be helping with her school work in such little time she had improved by 3 reading levels, she was easier to get to class, she paid more attentions and was less of a distraction to her peers. I was so happy with the results, but still feeling like a failure as a mom. Improved behavior and in her eduacation came at a cost, one that weighed heavy. Heavy because the fits had either been short or non excitant. She helped around the house more she was wanting to learn more still fought with her brother but the remorse came much sooner. Selfishly I didn't want to go back to the way it was before. Her appetite suppressed more and more. She took forever to get to sleep and waking her up was a long process.

As she lost weight I knew that I had to make a change for her. I made the decision to switch her to something different. I feel once again like a failing mom. I am happy to see her get some sleep but its been the only improvement. It's only been 5 days but I feel like I made the wrong call to change it up. I don't want to be blamed for doing nothing or too much when my children are older. Everything seems to have a cost. With being a parent I can only hope that my children will look back at their childhood and feel like I did the best I could and that I was a good mom. We are our worst critics and one day I hope being their mom was not too traumatizing that they will look forward to coming home rather than dread it like I did as an adult. Lookinf for that fairy tale ending. #failuremom #madeinmayhem #covidproblems #imagoodmom #bloggingismyselfcare