Welcome.

Made in Mayhem....not like the city...I think there is a city somewhere in the states, but no Mayhem like the chaos and the crazy that has never ceased to exist. I’m a mom to 3 crazy kids that stole all the possible energy I might have gained the few hours of uninterrupted sleep I did get. I can only describe it as charging my phone and then the kids steal it killing the phone in what feels like only moment. And yet we love our kids for the few moments of the good and endure the rest of the day thinking I should have stopped at one or “dang when does my husband get off work so I can escape to have a few moments to myself.

Which brings me to my purpose of writing anything on this blog, myself! The craziness of my life, my day-to-day struggles, depression, self neglect, and I’m sure many other things. I recently started to spend more time in my craft room. There is slight guilt about leaving my older two to tv, video games and playing in the backyard, but about halfway through my pregnancy with my last child depression hit hard. I’ve just dealt with it in the past it was more of just the situation I was in just sucked. With this pregnancy everything little was the worst. Everything made me angry or just not want to do anything. On The weekdays when I wasn’t working my routine was wake up take my daughter to school, take my middle child sit him next to me and just pass out til lunch and not really do anything except maybe switch laundry out of necessity. Everything I did just felt out of necessity. I tried to knit which is something I enjoy but most the time I just felt uninterested. Textbook depression some might say. At my 20 week OB appointment I finally spoke up. All my pride swallowed and decided life shouldn’t be lived out of necessity. Years of thinking I was fine and that I needed to take care of everyone else changed. The burden I had of dealing with my husband’s depression, my daughter behavior and worrying about her health and needs had finally become a second concern. My first was me! What about me! What am I going to do for me? I started a group therapy that was short-lived because of child care being an issue. I eventually returned but it was not until a week before give birth to my youngest that I realized my meds weren’t working. The sadness had subsided for a while and a couple of months later they just felt useless but I kept taking them. What I didn’t know then, was that after sometime the dose is not enough your body essentially metabolizes it more quicker. If I had know that I probably would have reached out sooner for someone to fix my medication. I was fine I told myself but I wasn’t.

I have never broken down in such an ugly cry like I did that day. I honestly don’t remember what that days fight was about with my 6 year old. It could have been any thing, but whatever it was it left me being bit and hit and joined in by her younger brother. 38 weeks pregnant and I felt like a failed mom. Unable to really do anything I just took it trying not to lash out and end up hurting anyone. When my Daughter threw a toy and hit me in the face, I couldn’t hold back the tears. With the tears came the ugly cry with the loud moans of pain and my first thought “I’m not a bad mom”

My husband returned home later that day from work and the bottled up emotions, drowning, in just poured out. Among all the pain and stressed I released I realized I had stopped taking care of me again pushing all my problems aside to deal with everyone else.

The next day I found someone to help manage my meds, I was able to join the group therapy class via zoom because of the pandemic. Since then have worked on myself care.

One can not take care of others if they can not take care of themselves. I urge readers to seek help swallow your pride and take care of your mental health. Don’t settle for just of if your taking meds and ask questions, and as little as something seems with your depression medication tell your doctor. Silence only causes suffering. #selfcarematters